Thursday, January 31, 2013

The what ifs and what not.

A few words/phrases that I DO NOT like to hear:
-Wait it out
-Its a "wait and see"
-let this run its course
-not drinking enough-UGH this is the pits.

This Saturday Murphy went to the pediatrician first thing in the morning with Clay in tow.  It was his third time that week to show up at Memphis Children's Clinic the only difference this time was that Madden ducked out.  I jumped in the shower to get ready to do another day of taking care of my sick ones.   I ran to get the phone and noticed there was a text from Clay, "going to the hospital, Dr. says he needs to be admitted."
My heart dropped and I know there was an actual "thud" sound that only He and I could hear.  My parents came and packed and took Madden in one fell swoop.  Him again, holding my hand, she's fine on to the next.
Enter the what ifs, what if...what if...what if....what if....too many of those and I realize I can't hear what He is trying to say and do here, I cant find my confidence or my strength when the "what ifs" begin.

I looked at my mom and said "I cant take much more, no really I'm tired, I am, its been going on too long....too long"I continue to throw things in 10 different bags going in different directions, fists clenched still packing I start to tear up when my mom says, "yes you can, dont say that or you will find out for sure."  Truth. Bleh.
Walking out the door I passed by my dad, change of heart.  Dad needs to hear this as much as I need to believe it- "I can do this we will be fine." Relief on both our faces as I really did believe and chose to decline the invitation to my pity party. 20 minutes later my 2 boys were downtown waiting on labs, my girl was playing and coloring with her loves.
All was well.  All was well.  Perspective.  Riding in the elevator from the ER to the penthouse  the nurse worns the "australian super bug is all over this place and some of our chronic patients are catching it from here."
Chronic? Perspective. I looked out the window of the penthouse and began to think about everything that must be going on in the rooms, the space below... Again we are blessed.  Thank you thank you thank you.  Our house with 2 our of 3 viruses somehow doesnt sound so bad.  I want to be chronically thankful.  The worry and fear that threatens me everyday doesn't hold a candle to the smile on my fella's face or hearing my girl say "skipper will come get me, I will go to work with him...he said I could."
HE said I could and once again, He was right.   Gratitude is like a VIRUS once you catch on it spreads and sooner or later these little "what ifs" become exactly that -more and more little "what nots."  I am trying, I am praying for this condition to take over our house and hearts.  I pray that we no longer struggle with fear/gratitude conditionally.
This is a tough one for me, but we can do this I TRUST we can.

Psalm 56:3

3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think I look forward to your posts more than anyone.