Thursday, January 31, 2013

The what ifs and what not.

A few words/phrases that I DO NOT like to hear:
-Wait it out
-Its a "wait and see"
-let this run its course
-not drinking enough-UGH this is the pits.

This Saturday Murphy went to the pediatrician first thing in the morning with Clay in tow.  It was his third time that week to show up at Memphis Children's Clinic the only difference this time was that Madden ducked out.  I jumped in the shower to get ready to do another day of taking care of my sick ones.   I ran to get the phone and noticed there was a text from Clay, "going to the hospital, Dr. says he needs to be admitted."
My heart dropped and I know there was an actual "thud" sound that only He and I could hear.  My parents came and packed and took Madden in one fell swoop.  Him again, holding my hand, she's fine on to the next.
Enter the what ifs, what if...what if...what if....what if....too many of those and I realize I can't hear what He is trying to say and do here, I cant find my confidence or my strength when the "what ifs" begin.

I looked at my mom and said "I cant take much more, no really I'm tired, I am, its been going on too long....too long"I continue to throw things in 10 different bags going in different directions, fists clenched still packing I start to tear up when my mom says, "yes you can, dont say that or you will find out for sure."  Truth. Bleh.
Walking out the door I passed by my dad, change of heart.  Dad needs to hear this as much as I need to believe it- "I can do this we will be fine." Relief on both our faces as I really did believe and chose to decline the invitation to my pity party. 20 minutes later my 2 boys were downtown waiting on labs, my girl was playing and coloring with her loves.
All was well.  All was well.  Perspective.  Riding in the elevator from the ER to the penthouse  the nurse worns the "australian super bug is all over this place and some of our chronic patients are catching it from here."
Chronic? Perspective. I looked out the window of the penthouse and began to think about everything that must be going on in the rooms, the space below... Again we are blessed.  Thank you thank you thank you.  Our house with 2 our of 3 viruses somehow doesnt sound so bad.  I want to be chronically thankful.  The worry and fear that threatens me everyday doesn't hold a candle to the smile on my fella's face or hearing my girl say "skipper will come get me, I will go to work with him...he said I could."
HE said I could and once again, He was right.   Gratitude is like a VIRUS once you catch on it spreads and sooner or later these little "what ifs" become exactly that -more and more little "what nots."  I am trying, I am praying for this condition to take over our house and hearts.  I pray that we no longer struggle with fear/gratitude conditionally.
This is a tough one for me, but we can do this I TRUST we can.

Psalm 56:3

3 When I am afraid, I will trust in you.

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

my cup runneth over...

How often do you look around at someone else and think "how on earth does she do it?" More often than not the thing that comes to my mind is grace.  I look at other moms in the trenches who dust themselves off sometimes even put on some lip stick, get dressed- and love, lead, learn, cook, taxi, clean, and smile...with gratitude. To me the explanation is grace.  By the grace of God we are able to teach our children, love them, and appreciate these days even though they sometimes seem grueling.

About a year ago, I was driving my second leg of carpool in somewhat of a fog when a friend said to me "I really grieve for young moms who grit their teeth and at the end of the day feel like they have just...survived."  On that particular day, I thought to myself...."you are grieving for me today."  And I felt so sad, I felt like I was missing it.  Honestly it was like such a light bulb, it just made sense.  As much as I talk about being sentimental and loving the old days and worrying about the future...I am trying to intentionally to love the present, the moment, the smile, the yogurt all over the shirt I just ironed but a smile like there's no tomorrow to go with it.
I am leaning into gratitude for the fact that I am in the trenches sometime, but in good company.  And if I cant make my way on my own or find my Hero's hand, I have that sweet voice of my friend that stands with me and makes me think "how does she do it?" It's funny there is always someone thinking about someone else, "how does she do it?"  We may not ever know it, and to us we think "hey this is just my life we dig in and go...hoping to mold little souls and build foundations for Christ loving girls and boys in the midst of goldfish and orange juice in our hair, a toe that has been stepped on one too many times (maybe there is worker's comp)- its a job, everyone's got one, I am so indescribably grateful for mine.
Im not promising I wont be frustrated or never complain, but I will promise I wouldn't trade this for the world....and I will promise that I wont give up-
I will stop wishing things were easier and instead pray I myself am better at them.

My dad has now sent me two letters with the same quotation enclosed...pretty sure he will claim he said it himself soon- "the greater part of our happiness depends on our disposition, not our circumstance."-Martha Washington

Speaking of look at this inspiration...His fingerprints everywhere and somewhere there's a momma who is emailing her friends that her "cup runneth over" I feel almost certain.

Friday, January 11, 2013

What this is all about.

It seems like this blog has taken so many turns, we have gone in so many directions and down different paths, sometimes with the brakes on the whole way.
I realize these words and these pictures- they are mostly for me and maybe some of our family, but as a friend says, "its kind of a way to work things out, almost therapeutic."  She's right. This is a place to not only share pictures and stories about our family but really it's about our journey, where He is taking us.  I am grateful for this venue-for the way it has helped me gain perspective, for the way it has twisted and turned and changed in so many ways just as we ourselves have.  I feel fortunate to be able to come here  and take a quick look back over this time.  Its amazing to see where we have been, and how He has loved us every second, every step and every turn we take.
We are blessed.  There's no denying it.  Everywhere I turn I am able to see so much good.  Anything good we have not done ourselves.  All just blessings from a loving God to an undeserving recipient. I see so many people struggling with things that seem insurmountable and I think- what is their manna must be like in comparison to mine?  I know He gives us what we need to go on, to move forward, to grow.
Sometimes it looks like things are all in place (well not physically in our house) but in our lives.  It looks like all the pieces are there so everything must fit- Viola, hello perfect happy picture.
It's not like that.  We are misfits.  We are human, selfish, greedy, prideful beings BUT we have hope.  Thank God we have hope. The pieces dont fit, we may think they do but they dont. Most of the time right when I think things fit- thats when I get my grasp back on reality...perspective.  This is a journey, notice no one ever says, "life is a vacation."  It's not.  Most of us are in the trenches...sometimes too busy to stop and hold a precious hand or face, or even long enough to have conversation.  Things always seem to happen when I start to take those things for granted.  God gives the gift of perspective and once again I take a deep breath and say, we are blessed.

I am trying to be prayerful about time.  I have not been one to have poor time management or struggle with procrastinating etc...(believe me although these are not my weakest points there are still issues), however, I am struggling with altering my viewpoint of time management.  
It's time to laugh more, to hug more, to hold hands more to watch Pippi Longstockings more, to sit down and snuggle longer, to talk longer, to put the phone down, to make the minutes seem to last longer...
We are not promised our next breath or the next minute.  While we were created with eternity on our hearts...I am praying that one day I will feel like I spent my time "well."

“Life is precious – Nothing is forever”    Dave Bennett